Navigating Motherhood: Surrender, Identity Deaths & Finding Alignment

Eight and a half months in, and I still feel like I’m new to this. The words "I’m a mom" don’t fully register.

The first few months were filled with awe, joy, and excitement. Yes, there was the whirlwind of What am I doing?, but mostly, I was swept up in the magic of it all—birth, the newness, the tiny human in my arms. Then, around three months in, something shifted. The emotions came flooding in.

Sadness. Tears. Rage. Frustration. Loneliness.

A heavy fog rolled in, and suddenly, I felt like I was unraveling.

I was sleeping less than ever, but it wasn’t just tiredness. Motherhood was bringing to light everything in me that restricted my highest freedom and expression—old patterns, unprocessed emotions, the ways I’d learned to navigate life that no longer fit.

I felt like a robot vacuum that had been programmed for one house—moving around with ease, knowing exactly where the walls and obstacles were. And then, suddenly, I was picked up and dropped into a completely new house (one without any lights LOL), except I was still running on my old map. I kept bumping into things, hitting walls I didn’t know existed.

Everything felt unfamiliar.

I tried to grasp onto old ways of navigating life, but they no longer worked. The spaciousness I once had for deep self-care and endless meditations was gone. The ability to escape discomfort when I felt like it? Gone. Instead, I had to face everything—head-on, in real-time. There was no checking out.

And it cracked me wide open.

Photo by: Nicole Capri Creative | @nicolecapri_creative | www.nicolecapri.com

The Fog Lifts: Finding Strength in the Chaos

For months, I moved through deep uncertainty. Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? Then, little by little, one emotional release at a time, the fog started to lift. I found a new strength, a deeper resilience. My ability to return to center grew. Clarity came—not by forcing it, but by allowing myself to sit with the unknown.

I used to have long stretches of time for meditation and self-reflection. Now, I had to find alignment within the chaos. And the biggest realization?

There is no escaping yourself in motherhood.

You can’t run from what still needs healing. Life asks you to meet it, and as hard as that is, it’s also the greatest gift.

The Tug-of-War Between Motherhood, Self, and Relationship

One of the hardest parts of this transition has been feeling torn between motherhood responsibilities, my relationship with my husband and taking care of myself. It often felt like something was being sacrificed or neglected, no matter what I did.

Over time, I started learning how to surrender to the ebb and flow. Some days, everything flows beautifully—motherhood, my relationship, my personal time, my creativity. Other days, one thing takes center stage while the rest fades into the background. And that’s okay.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. The balance isn’t found in rigidly holding everything together at all times. It’s found in allowing the dance—trusting that what needs my attention in any given moment is exactly what’s meant to receive it.

Letting Go of Overthinking and Second-Guessing

Before Leo, I lived so much of my life guided by intuition. And yet, motherhood shined a massive spotlight on overthinking patterns I still had. The stakes felt higher, the decisions never-ending. Should I use this nap to work, meditate, or rest? If I choose work, will I regret not resting? If I rest, will I wish I had worked? It felt like no matter what I chose, my future self was waiting to criticize me.

But then, an epiphany hit me.

Second-guessing is simply thoughts after the fact. That’s all.

The decisions themselves weren’t wrong—my brain was just making more noise, or maybe I was more aware of the noise it had always been making ;). But I didn’t have to believe it. I didn’t have to do anything about it.

With this awareness, I could see every decision and every outcome for what it really was: clarity, not failure or success. No matter what, it was all leading me forward. And with that, I could finally let it be all good. 😉

Losing (and Finding) Myself Again

There’s so much talk about losing your identity in motherhood. And I felt it. Most of the advice out there suggests either clinging to the things you loved before, your identities outside of motherhood or throwing yourself fully into a new identity as a mother.

None of this felt right to me.

Trying to hold onto old joys and old versions of myself felt forced, out of touch. But rushing to claim a new identity didn’t feel authentic either. 

So instead, I let myself not know. I let myself grieve. I let myself sit in the blank space of uncertainty.

And slowly, instead of rushing to rebuild my sense of self, I allowed a new relationship with myself to emerge. Not by forcing it, but by tending to my alignment, trusting the unfolding, and showing up for myself in ways that felt right moment by moment.

I still have no clue who I am ;) But instead of feeling lost, I feel at peace.

Alignment Before Action

One of the biggest lessons motherhood has reinforced for me is alignment before action.

When I put my own alignment first—when I take even small moments to check in and center myself—everything is easier. Parenting, my relationship, creativity, navigating life. When I’m out of alignment, everything feels harder.

It’s not about finding time for myself. It’s about integrating alignment into how I move through each day. Returning to center, over and over again.

The Tangible Side of Motherhood: Breastfeeding, Sleep, and the Everyday Realities

So much of the past several months has been deep emotional work, but there’s also the day-to-day reality of motherhood—the tangible, practical side of it all.

Breastfeeding: The Most Magical and Challenging Journey

I’ve been breastfeeding since Leo was born. It’s been one of the most beautiful, intimate experiences of my life—also one of the most demanding.

For the first eight months, I’ve fed him every two to three hours (aside from the night feedings which have lessened over time). No breaks. No skipping. Just showing up again and again, even when I didn’t want to. Even when I thought, How in the world do you need to eat again? I just fed you.

Breastfeeding has required deep commitment and devotion. There were moments of intense resistance, but there was also an undeniable knowing that this was what I wanted to do. And so I kept going. The good news is that it has only gotten easier. 

Feeding Leo Solids: It’s So Fun

Leo started solids at five and a half months, and watching him eat has been pure joy. He eats everything—chicken, salmon, pasta, fruit—but yogurt? His favorite. The Solid Starts app was a game-changer in helping me navigate this new phase.

Sleep: The Never-Ending Adventure

Sleep has been a journey.

The four-month sleep regression? Brutal. He was waking up constantly, and I felt like I was barely functioning.

Then, around seven months, he settled into a rhythm—one or two wake-ups per night, sometimes none. There were even a few glorious weeks where he slept 12 hours straight, and I felt like a new person.

Then the eight-month sleep regression hit and lasted about 2 weeks. Now, some nights are smooth, others are unpredictable. I do my best to flow with whatever happens.

Also—let’s debunk the whole “don’t let them fall asleep breastfeeding” rule. I tried that once, and it was a disaster. Leo breastfeeds to sleep, and everything is fine. When he’s with our nanny, he falls asleep without it. It all works out.

Herbs & Electrolytes: Total Game Changers

I have to shout out Wishgarden Herbs. They have been so useful for me  that I’ve started getting them as a gift for all of my pregnant friends. The Postpartum Emotional Blend worked wonders to support my energy balance and mood. The Happy Ducts cleared up a clogged duct within a day. The Goat’s Rue was a game changer when my milk supply dropped once (also LMNT electrolytes make a huge difference). After 1 day of being back on the electrolytes and taking Goat’s Rue, I was expressing like 8x the amount of milk as I had been the last few days.

I share more of my fav postpartum resources in this blog!

Releasing the Narrative of Struggle and Sacrifice

I get it now—why the dominant narrative around motherhood is one of exhaustion, sacrifice, and struggle. It’s real.

But it’s not the only truth.

 We are allowed to thrive. We are as worthy of nurturing as our children and not feeling guilty about it. We are allowed to do it our way. We are allowed to make mistakes and evolve along the way. We are allowed to ebb and flow with what each season calls for.

We get to remember that a solution of the highest good is always available. That our answers are within us. That our peace is within us. 

And it's okay to feel lost and out of alignment. You'll come back. You'll remember. And when you do, the remembrance will be more clear and more peaceful and more beautiful than ever before.

You’re Not Falling Apart: You’re Getting Stronger & Wiser

Motherhood feels like learning to surf. Before, I was riding smaller waves—manageable, predictable, familiar. Motherhood came along like a set of massive waves, knocking me off my board again and again. For a while, it felt like I was drowning. But every time I got back on, I became stronger. I learned to move with the waves instead of fighting them. And now, I can ride bigger waves with more ease, more grace, more trust in myself. Falling off more doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re learning to surf bigger waves and getting stronger, wiser and more resilient in the process.

So if you’re in the thick of it, if you’re questioning who you are or if you’ll ever feel like yourself again—I see you. 

Keep coming back to what brings you peace. No matter how many times you drift away, you can always return. And each time, you’ll find a version of yourself that’s even more free.

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